theSkimm August 14, 2012: Things on Obama’s mind|
Things on Obama’s mind
* Gee, it’s tough being the new kid on the block. Paul Ryan got a rude awakening to a national campaign when he was heckled during his first solo stump speech, at the rough – and – tumble Iowa State Fair. Further down south, Joe Biden welcomed his new opponent to the trail by saying there is nothing ‘gutsy’ about Ryan’s budget and tied him to the 2008 financial crisis. “As my little granddaughter would say, was it Casper the Ghost who came along and did this? Who did it?” Both little and big Bidens get points for creativity.
* Ryan’s not the only one checking out the Iowa State Fair, but Obama is the only one who bought as much as $170 million worth of meat to help farmers get through the drought (Note: he did NOT purchase a fried Twinkie, per Michelle’s orders). While making his own way through the swing state, Obama appealed to struggling farmers by reminding them that House Republicans, like Paul Ryan, want large cuts in farm bill spending. Rep. Ryan called his chicken and raised him a cow by reminding him that he knows a thing or two about farming, seeing as he’s from Wisconsin.
* Eric Holder needs a drink. The Attorney General just got sued by House Republicans. The House is trying to force Holder to hand over documents related to the Fast and Furious operation, which started under Bush and unintentionally led to guns ending up in the hands of Mexican drug cartels. Whoops! Obama’s been trying to claim executive privilege but the House isn’t buying it. Here’s to your summer being over, Eric…
* Obama has taken a lot of flak for overseeing the end of manned space missions, but while speaking to the Mars rover Curiosity crew, he made his priorities clear: “If, in fact, you do make contact with Martians, please let me know right away.” Roger that.
REPEAT AFTER ME…
What people are horrified by… At least two people, including a police official and a civilian, were killed by a gunman, who was later fatally shot by police,during a 30-minute shootout near Texas A&M University. Witnesses say the shooter, who asked for forgiveness, was using an assault rifle.
What you should say if you’re a rebel… that you downed a Syrian warplane, while state TV reports it crashed due to mechanical problems. The Syrian government has been using warplanes to crush the rebel forces below. The pilot ejected before the crash and the rebels say they have him. State TV says a search party is underway. This should end well.
What to say if you have ever categorized yourself as a ‘Samantha’…Helen Gurley Brown, author of “Sex and the Single Girl” and famed Cosmo editor, has passed away. She shook up the early-1960s, and a lot of bedrooms, by breaking the news that even single ladies enjoy some tail with their cocktails.
What to say to your friend in publishing… Google is on a quest for content. The search giant has purchased the travel guide brand Frommer’s, nearly a year after acquiring Zagat, both of which strengthen its travel and local search offerings. Yelp and TripAdvisor shares dipped after the news. Sorry, only a select few can get free lunch at the Google caf.
What to say at drinks with girlfriends… Ochocinco is now unemployed after VH1 canceled his reality TV show with his wife, Evelyn Lozada, after he was arrested for allegedly assaulting her. The Miami Dolphins let him go earlier this week. Lesson #1: Don’t hit your wife. Lesson #2: Don’t put all of your eggs in the reality TV basket. Lesson #3: Don’t hit your wife.
What to say to your boyfriend… I’m leaving you so I can go talk to Jon Stewart, eat ice cream and feel love again. I also plan on getting hired as a Robert Pattinson’s publicist and/or wife. #callme
What not to tell Michelle Obama… that you ordered McDonald’s. Not even adorable Gabby Douglas could escape a nutrition lecture on the “Tonight Show.”Lesson: ALWAYS say whole wheat!
What to bring up at Happy Hour… Who wore it better? Miley or Draco Malfoy?