Things that happened far away

*Syria
THE STORY: Kofi Annan resigned as the U.N. – Arab League peace envoy to Syria, following the U.N.’s failure to find a peace plan that works.

THE WHY (DO I NEED TO SKIMM?): The bloody fight between Syria’s President Assad’s military and rebel forces is at its most dangerous point. The U.N. has been unable to find a peaceful solution, despite calling on its former Secretary-General, Annan, to try to have everyone get along. Annan did try – Assad promised him peace, but that didn’t happen, and the Security Council members just couldn’t agree (Oh, hey Russia, China, U.K., France, U.S.) But Annan isn’t going quietly into the night. He said Assad must go and that the “finger-pointing and name-calling in the Security Council” made what many deemed to be “Mission Impossible” actually impossible, leaving much of the Council to scramble in an intense blame game. The final lesson? Nobody puts Kofi in a corner.

*London
THE STORY: Michael Phelps proved he really is worthy of holding the most Olympic medals ever, by beating rival Ryan Lochte.

THE WHY (DO I NEED TO SKIMM?): Phelps had a rough start in London after barely qualifying for one race and losing to Lochte in another. But then came the comeback; Phelps secured his place in history as the most decorated Olympian ever. Now, after the 200-meter individual medley, he’s got a 20th medal to add to his collection. 20 seems like a nice number to retire with.

*Frankfurt
THE STORY: The European Central Bank disappointed everybody by failing to fully live up to its pledge that it will do “whatever it takes to preserve the euro.”

THE WHY (DO I NEED TO SKIMM?): Last week, ECB head Mario Draghi gained a lot of fans by promising to protect the euro, leading many to believe the ECB would start buying government bonds to make it cheaper for troubled countries (ahem, Spain and Italy) to borrow money. But then Draghi backtracked and said that the ECB was prepared to move that way only after political leaders did first. The ECB also said it would not lower interest rates, another way to make it cheaper to borrow money, any further. The markets did not react kindly to this news.

REPEAT AFTER ME…

What to say when you need a place to make out… I’m not sure if the smell of battered chicken turns you on but grassroots gay rights activists are planning a “National Same-Sex Kiss Day at Chick-fil-A.” Couples are encouraged to snap pics kissing at one of the embattled chain’s locations. I don’t think we have to worry about the chicken house doing anything dirty with them since it doesn’t need the money. Chick-fil-A has touted record profits, following a rally of support for its anti-gay marriage stance, but won’t release the official numbers. I guess it’s not the exhibitionist type.

What people are horrified by… This is a threesome no one wanted to see happen. Washington, D.C.’s Reagan National Airport had quite the scare whenthree planes nearly missed each other on Tuesday. Federal officials dispute that the planes were flying towards a head-on collision but agree that they were too close to each other. In other transportation news, a Megabus had a fatal crash in Illinois, injuring dozens of people. A staycation has never sounded so appealing.

What to say when you blow your budget… I thought my spending habits were bad until I heard Knight Capital Group lost $440 million in 30 minutes. Although it wasn’t its own fault, a computer glitch is to blame; its stock fell over 70% in two days.

What to say on a date… How do you feel about Derek Jeter having sexual reassignment surgery? No need to start panicking, it’s just a joke. Several MLB franchises had their Facebook accounts hacked, resulting in bizarre social media postings like the Yankees announcing Jeter would come back as Minnie Mantlez. I wonder what song Minnie would walk out to – maybe “Sexual Healing”?

What to say when you make a mistake… It’s always bad when you write about someone erroneously, but when the person can’t defend himself – because he’s six feet under – you feel even worse. The New York Times made somememorable errors in Gore Vidal’s obituary, prompting corrections like “It is not the case that they never had sex” and “Mr. Vidal called William F. Buckley Jr. a crypto-Nazi, not a crypto-fascist.”

What to say when your friend thinks you’re too judgmental… Hey, at least I’m not Michael Kors! His insults cut to the quick of every fashion faux pas.

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Who’s more fit than you…

Gabby Douglas (Team USA) won the all-around competition in women’s gymnastics. We really couldn’t love her more, especially after this display of rhythm. (h/t @drelly)

Carmelo Anthony (Team USA) and his Dream Team obliterated a few records while making everyone else feel inadequate. The USA won by 83 points, and Anthony set the record for most points by an American in an Olympic game with 37 points.

Rafalca Romney (Team USA) finally had her debut in dressage. Ann Romney’s horse, who apparently is estranged from an absent Mitt, came in 13th. We’re confident the disappointing finish will help Ann relate to the hardships of most Americans.

Wills + Kate = Forever.